You know what I’ve noticed a lot lately? People smoking. And where I live — in a West Los Angeles beach town, full of health-conscious, Lululemon-clad people coming and going from yoga and Pilates or their gym of choice, likely on their way to Erewhon to get a $20 smoothie — seeing a cigarette sticking out of a car window is weird. And that weird is happening. A lot.

Now, I’m GenX. When I was in high school, we literally had a smoking section in the parking lot on campus. It was where the punks and NewRo’s and headbangers hung out. Where I hung out. But I was the sole non-smoker. You see, I had asthma. Pneumonia twice before I even got to pre-school. And both of my parents were chain-smokers. Like, in the car, windows up.

Needless to say, I find it to be a nasty habit. And we know what we know. We know it’s destructive, and not just to the smoker. We know it’s expensive, and WTF isn’t these days? But what it symbolizes to me is the unhappiness that is so prevalent. That the anger and frustration we feel about the effing world is turning inward. 

I get that smokers use cigarettes to self-soothe. But is it working? And isn’t there a better method? Like one that doesn’t come with a government-issued warning label?

When I was 7, I went to the doctor because my asthma was bad enough that my mother actually took the time and spent the money to take me to see someone about it. And I will never forget what that dude said to me while looking at my chest x-ray: “You have the lung damage of someone who’s smoked for 15 years, without the tar.” 

I was 7. 

That’s how we did it in the 70s. No bullshit. Scare the kid straight. So, I never picked up the habit. I also didn’t get an inhaler until I was 16 or have any proper medication for my asthma. Just whatever was over the counter. My allergies would trigger the asthma, so, man, I had to be on my game if I was going to play with a puppy or kittens. Going home with swollen eyes, a runny nose or wheezing was met with irritation over my irresponsibility. “You should know better!” 

I learned at a young age, my health was in my hands. I had to take care of it. Because no one was going to be thrilled to take care of me.

And so I do make my health a priority. Not in any obsessive way, but in a proactive manner. 

I’ve given up dairy and grains and nuts and eggs to keep my allergies in check. It works. I haven’t had red meat since LiveAid. I exercise regularly and moderately, and have done since high school. BTW, this does not make me any sort of shining example. Trust me. It was something I had to do in order to function. Staving off all the autoimmune issues I have. The allergies, the asthma, the chronic fatigue from EBV, the gastritis that may not be gastritis, but we aren’t sure what it is, so guess who’s going through a bunch of tests in the coming weeks. Oh, and let’s not forget the frontal fibrosing alopecia. Because that one’s fun.

I stopped drinking two years ago, when all the reports in the news were saying, Booze is out to kill you! There are no safe amounts! And I was like, fuck! That’s my one vice. But, also, did I need it? Or was it something that I was socialized to believe had a benefit? 

I don’t call myself sober because that doesn’t fit. Sobriety is worked for. I’m fortunate that, for as shitty as my gene pool is, I don’t have addiction in my DNA. To be honest, I’m way too lazy to be an addict. I don’t want anyone or anything telling me how to live. It’s also why I don’t have a pet. I’m not getting up just because you need to pee, because I really don’t want to get up when I need to pee. 

Stopping drinking was like me giving up red meat while waiting for David Bowie to take the LiveAid stage, or breaking up with baked brie because, as much as I loved it, it did not love me back. There are just certain things we know we need to do for ourselves, and we simply have to surrender to them.

We are conditioned to look at what we are giving us as some sort of terrible sacrifice or punishment rather than respecting what we gain by letting go of things that don’t serve us. So, let’s get disrupty with that and look at things another way.

What are you doing to yourself that you see as a treat or a gift or as something you’ve earned or deserve that might feel good in the moment, but shitty soon after? Is it smoking or drinking or doing something else? 

Is it a relationship you keep going back to or find yourself unable to leave? Could be romantic or a friendship or even a job. Families can be included here, too.

Is it your relationship with food? And that can be multifaceted.

How about being too sedentary? Or moving too much.

How about spending too much?

We shouldn’t take out our frustration on ourselves, but we do. And we tell ourselves that we are actually doing it to feel better. Deep down, we know that’s not true because we are going to feel like garbage after. We know this. But we still do the damage.

I’ll share a little secret with you. I used to binge eat a bit. And it came from two sides. First, if I was feeling low, I would “treat” myself to whatever I wanted. No matter how much I wanted. I would have things I was told I couldn’t have as a kid because I didn’t deserve it, or it was too expensive. As I had to change what I ate for my health, I would find substitutes and enjoy them wholeheartedly. Check out the grain-free section the next time you’re in the store. There’s some good stuff.

Second, the thing about gastritis, when I actually did have gastritis, is that my stomach felt better with something in it. Very rarely did I have a flare where I couldn’t eat. Usually, the pain just kept asking for more comfort. 

So, bingeing served as a coping mechanism, both emotionally and physically. It felt good at the time. Not so great after. Because you’re not craving apples, yams and celery when you’re in a binge. And the heavy foods that do fill the need would slow me down, make me feel leaden. I didn’t count calories or feel the need to “balance it out” by over-exercising or “eating clean” afterward. It wasn’t even a shame spiral. It was just a big fucking WHY? Seriously, why?!!? Because I knew it wasn’t helping. Yes, it could fill boredom or calm my stomach — for a moment — but it didn’t fix the true cause of either issue.

When we seek comfort outside of ourselves, it’s temporary. Yes, it feels nice…but then there’s the crash. It’s hedonic in nature. I wouldn’t even call it a Band-Aid, because Band-Aids last longer than what we do to ourselves to feel momentarily soothed.

There’s the famous scene/running gag in Airplane! with Lloyd Bridges saying, “Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue,” among other things he chose to stop that week (smoking, drinking, amphetamines). This timeline has been that week.

And maybe people are just having a serious case of the fuck-its. Why not? Everything is going to shit, why fight it? 

Because this isn’t what we want. That mindset isn’t healthy. That thought process is not healthy. And all of that is playing into what they want us to be: Sick, scared, stressed and broke.

They don’t want you healthy and happy and rebel-ly and disrupty.

So, what are you doing that you tell yourself is self-soothing but is really self-destructive? And the only person you have to share that answer with is you, so you can be brutally fucking honest. 

The next question to ask yourself is: Do you want to stop, change that behavior, break that habit? If yes, start now. Right now. Yep, this now. If you answered no, ask yourself why? And the question I will ask you is: Why don’t you love yourself enough to change?

Maybe it’s because you aren’t happy. And you probably have a lot of justifiable reasons why you’re not happy. And I am going to tell you that all of those very valid reasons are false. Yes, I said that. Because you do deserve to be happy. Right now. As is. And you don’t even have to believe that. It’s just the truth. The truth doesn’t have to be believed in order to exist. It just is.

So, let’s go into this a little deeper. Anger and fear got us here, right? And we see the collective effects of that. It’s truly fucking obvious. More of the same will only keep us stuck. The answer is to build our self-health, that eudaimonic wellbeing, The Ultimate Wellness, to shift things in the direction we, collectively, want to go.

Going deeper with you, if you are not happy: What got you there? Again, the only person you have to share that answer with is you, so be brutally fucking honest. And what is more of the same giving you? 

Happiness is not bullshit. It is not toxic positivity. It is not ignoring reality. It is not pretending everything is fine. It is what we are meant to be. It is what serves as our solid foundation. And taking the time — and I mean moments each day — to build that is going to change everything.

Over on my Substack, I have a free/pay-what-you-like course called “Thank You! A 30-Day Appreciation Practice to Deepen Happiness”. I know. I love a long, clunky title. The prompts are like 3 minutes a day and what this does is start you on your way to Self-Health, your eudaimonic wellbeing, that Ultimate Wellness, because it all starts with appreciation. And that starts with a simple “Thank you.” Give it a spin. There are no strings attached. No funnel. You don’t even have to subscribe.

I’m not coming to you from a life of ease. I’ve been in the shit. I’ve been broke and scared and sick and overwhelmed and unemployed. I get the hopelessness that comes when life feels out of control. When you feel like nothing you do is going to change anything. And I will tell you with my whole heart, this happiness shit, as woo as it sounds, works. And it’s easy. A piece of effing cake. It costs nothing. Except maybe a little time and slight effort. So start with the course. I’ll put a link in the show notes. Or go to TheHappyist.substack.com and at the top there’s a Courses link in the menu.

To understate the obvious, this is a terrible time. But that doesn’t mean we have to treat ourselves in a terrible manner. We don’t. We really fucking don’t. So don’t.

Why was giving up booze easy for me? Because I got happy. Why did I stop with the bingeing easily? Because I got happy. I didn’t need that behavior to soothe me anymore. It wasn’t the treat or the gift or the bonus or something I earned or deserved. It was good in the moment, not so good after. And, once I recognized that, it was easy to say, “Nah. Don’t need that.” I don’t need to treat myself like that anymore, because one of the side-effects of eudaimonic wellbeing is a strong sense of self-worth. It just comes with the territory. Along with self-respect, self-compassion, self-love and resilience.

What is it that you don’t need anymore? Be willing to release it. Focus on your Self-Health. Get happy and be totally fucking disrupty by doing that. Pretty please, with raw, organic sugar on top.

This is the last episode of Season 3. The pod is going on a wee end-of-summer break and will return with Season 4 on October 5th. If you miss me in the meantime, you can find me over on Substack every Wednesday and Friday. Wednesdays, there is always a free preview, and the Friday posts are open to all.

And if you’ve been a Happy Rebel for a while now and notice the diff, please reach out — send me a DM or email — because I would love to hear about your experience. 

Happiness is punk AF. It’s the most rebellious way to be right now. That’s legal, anyway. So be it. 

Until next time, friends, stay happy and disrupty.