If you stop to think about it, as I did the other day, you might come to realize that a lot of our unhappiness comes from our need to control. And, sometimes, that need for control gets out of control.

When we think about our overspending, overeating, over-indulging, micro-managing, even our anxiety, it all stems from trying to control something — anything — when we feel things are out of our control. And what a nasty pattern that gets us stuck in.

Part of the problem, and the reason why we want to control so much, is that we don’t trust. We don’t trust others, the system or ourselves. We’ve lost faith. And it’s pretty heartbreaking when we think about it. But we can shift that. So, let’s talk about how.

Where are you looking for a sense of control? 

For me, it’s always been the future. I want to know what will happen, how things will turn out and that my hard work has a payoff. This is nothing new. When I was a kid, I wanted a crystal ball. I got a Magic 8 Ball instead. It seemed stuck on “Ask Again Later”.

That need to control feels super human. Totally natural. But is it? Is it part of the human experience or a byproduct of modern society? I’m going to go with the byproduct theory. Because if we were truly happy and secure with ourselves, what would we need to control?

Can you imagine what not wanting to have control would look like or feel like? Could we even live in today’s world without a sense of it? 

Well, I suppose we could if we had a strong sense of trust. Which we don’t. Because how can we in modern society? The circle that creates — that need for control and that lack of trust — is vicious.

Think of the ways we try to control. If you go through your social media feed, if that’s any indication, we fucking need to control everything. The way we wake up, the first thing we put into our body, the multi-step skincare routines, what we eat, when we eat it, how we eat, the exercise we do and how and when we do it. What we wear, where we shop, how we spend, our thoughts, our feelings, our affirmations, our meditation, what we believe, what we desire, what we should have, what we must avoid, don’t forget your sleep hygiene, and stay off your screens, but if you aren’t on your screens, you may not know the next lifehack you really need to know!

It’s exhausting and confusing. And it’s fabricated.

The irony of our need to control is how easily that gets out of control. We want to control how we feel at the end of the day, we want to relax, so we have a drink…or something else. And we do that until the indulgence becomes a habit and the habit becomes destructive. We buy things to make us feel better or our lives easier, but they don’t work the way they should so we buy more until we are in painful debt. We over-eat or under-eat in order to feel a sense of being in charge of that aspect of our lives. We don’t allow ourselves to feel what we feel because we don’t want to feel out of control.

And we do this because we don’t feel safe trusting. And I get not trusting the system or the world or certain people. But we have to trust ourselves. We have to have faith in ourselves. And when we have that, we no longer need to hold on tight to control. Because we know that, no matter what, we will be okay. Because we have our own back first and foremost.

However, the other aspect we need to remember is that we are part of a community. But that’s really hard to create and maintain right now, yes? I know how much my community has changed over the last ten years, and especially in the last six. People moved. People showed their true colors. People shut down. It’s been a really shitty decade. So, let’s start where we’re at and build from there, taking quality over quantity. Opening ourselves up and trusting again.

I’m pretty much a lone wolf, so I get it if you’re fine with DIY-ing everything. But that’s really not a way to live. I have lots of friends all around the country and the world. But only a couple of close friends close enough to come running if I really needed help. A lot of people moved out of state in 2020. Another one of my besties is planning to move away, too. Circles shrink. And we need to get better about expanding them. Because, at the bare minimum, we need someone to pick us up after sedation. Hospitals have rules about that. Community builds trust. It solidifies faith. Of course, that all takes time, so let’s start closer to home.

When we are able to trust ourselves, we relax. We let go. We feel more content. Happier.

I’m going to go a little woo on you here, but I want you to understand how much control you actually have. And this comes from Albert Einstein, but I heard it from Gay Hendricks — it’s about how we control time.

I’ll spare you the backstory of how I learned it, but I think it was in THE BIG LEAP. And this theory is not BS because everyone I’ve told to try it did, and it worked. Really worked. So, it’s woo and science all rolled into one.

Albert believed that we control time, not the other way around. So, the next time you are running late, do this:

Take in a deep, calming breath; hold it for a few seconds, then exhale slowly. Bring yourself into a calm — or at least calmer — state. Then, close your eyes and say, “I am the source and creator of time. There is plenty of time. I am perfectly on time.” Say it three times, and believe it. Surrender to it.

Now, don’t look at the clock or your watch again. Don’t speed. Don’t sweat a red light or being stuck in traffic. If you start to feel anxious, repeat the mantra again and as often as you need to, not as a way to control but as a way to trust.

Now, I’ve done this when I legit should’ve been 10 minutes late and ended up being five minutes early. Not kidding. And, yes, that’s happened more than once. The friends I’ve told about this had similar experiences.

What this shows is how things work when we are in collaboration rather than wanting control. When we seek cooperation instead of control. When we trust that things are going to work out and go with the flow rather than trying to force things to go our way.

It’s fine if you think that this sounds nutty AF. It does sound nutty AF. Try it anyway. But it’s only going to work if you are willing to give up control and trust it.

And giving up control is scary. Trusting is scary. But this is just with you. It starts with you. 

Imagine having that trust and giving up that control. How do you think that would feel? I’ll tell you, it feels pretty good. It feels grounded and centered and calm. 

When you find yourself reaching for control and feeling the squeeze that comes with it, stop and remember that you are in charge of you. Take a deep calming breath and recite a mantra that fits your sitch. Start building your self-trust and slowly let go of the control that will take you out of control. 

The need for control and the anxiety that can come with it tells us we are out of whack. We are not in alignment. Our nervous system is super dysregulated. There’s a lot going on in the world that contributes to that. But see that as a signal to remember your power and to step into it. We forget how powerful we are. We forget the self-control we have. We forget that we can cooperate and collaborate with the energy out there, The Powers That Be. Things are so much easier when we do that. Everything becomes so much easier when we nurture our eudaimonic wellbeing and let ourselves be happy. It’s a power move. So move toward it.

This is the last episode of the second season of Happy Rebel Podcast. Thanks so much for being here. We’ll return on Monday, July 6th.

In the meantime, you can join me on Substack at The Happyist, where I’m currently doing a course called “Thank You! A 30-Day Appreciation Practice to Deepen Happiness.” You can start the course any time, just be sure to do it one day at a time. No need to rush it. That’s a sign of wanting to control it, right? Let that go! Trust yourself, and let yourself enjoy it. Thanks again, my friend. Be sure to stay happy and disrupty. xo