So, I spent my Thursday and Friday binge watching the second season of “Worst Ex Ever” on Netflix. Not hard to do; it’s only 4 episodes. The show is more than a little horrifying. And I have a deep appreciation for those who were brave enough to share their story. It’s going to help a lot of people. And here’s why.

Because, if you watch it, you will never not listen to your intuition when a blazingly red flag is raised. And you and I are going to talk about loving yourself more so you are double-triple sure you will never dismiss a flaming red flag ever again.

You may or may not know this about me, but I am a pretty big Formula 1 fan. It goes against my politics, my environmentalism, my feminism, but I love the speed and strategy. Not to mention the drama. It’s a soap opera of the on-track lives of the super-rich. And it’s so much better now that Christian Horner is no longer in the paddock. I love karma. Don’t get me started on Flavio, though.

Anyway, in F1, there are a series of flags that tell the drivers (and viewers) what to watch out for. Green flags, yellow flags, blue flags, white flags, black and white, the meatball, the checkered, the black flag and the red. Each comes with their own warning. Green flag means we can proceed. Yellow signals danger. White means a slow car up ahead. Blue means you’re about to be lapped. The “meatball” is a black flag with an orange disc in the center that denotes your car is too fucked up to drive; return to the pits. Black and white warns of unsportsmanlike behavior; usually going over track limits too many times. Black flag means you’ve been DQ’d, and is also a seminal punk band. Checkered means we’re done. And the red flag means slow down, return to the pit, line up at the exit, and await further instruction.

Ignore those flags, and you will be penalized.

I didn’t just drop in an F1 mention for shits and giggles. Can you see how all those flags apply to life? Like, really. But we seem to focus solely on the red one. So, let’s talk about it, and “Worst Ex Ever”.

What broke my heart while watching the season is how often these women said, “I saw the red flags, but I was in love.” “I saw the red flags, but I loved him/her.” They saw the danger, they had been subjected to the abuse, the violence, the crimes, but they loved that person…more than they loved themselves.

This is by no means victim-shaming. I am thankful that these women — and the gent — have come forward to share their stories so we can learn from them. And what they all had in common is that they let “love” speak louder than their intuition, or common sense. They admit that in their episode. In some ways, it was protective. In others, it was putting another person before themselves. And that’s not healthy.

This is why I categorize the happiness derived from romantic love as hedonic. It’s not the real deal. And if you don’t balance that with a solid eudaimonic wellbeing, it will make you unwell. It’s all frosting and no sponge. It’s not good for you. It’s not good for anyone.

In episode 3 of season 1 of the podcast, I talk about the “Radical Act of Self-Love” and the importance of it. When we have deep love for ourselves, we set boundaries that must be respected. We won’t accept bad, dangerous or disrespectful behavior from anyone. We won’t put up with bullshit. And, yet, some mistake Self-Love for vanity, arrogance or narcissism. “Oh my gawd, I’m so great!” And it ain’t that. Self-Love is a combination of self-worth, self-respect and self-compassion. It’s the heart of your eudaimonic wellbeing. Don’t shy away from it.

We all need to love ourselves more and remember that it’s not an ego thing. It's an emotional and mental health thing. Which becomes a physical health thing. A safety thing. Self-Love is empowering. And the more you love yourself, the better you are at loving others in a healthy, boundary-respecting, zero-bullshit way.

The boundaries that are set with Self-Love are deep and tall and wide and unshakable. The first time someone crosses those boundaries, you’ll know all you’ll need to know about that person. Pay attention. Really, pay attention. 

Dr. Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them. The first time.” And too many people leave off that last part when they quote her. Don’t.

She goes on to say that we should believe them because they know themselves better than we know them. And if are one who doesn’t trust life, you’ll make the mistake of correcting them by saying, “Don’t say that about yourself. That isn’t true.” Don’t do that. Listen to them instead and really take in what they are saying. Because they are telling you the truth. They are telling you what is going to happen. They are telling you what they will do. Believe them. The first time. Then, thank them — silently — for being so honest, and walk away.

Self-Love isn’t arrogant. But what is arrogant is thinking that you can fix a person. And aren’t we all guilty of that? My hand is raised. The fact is the only person who can fix anyone is themselves. So, if you think you can love someone through their bullshit, be prepared to be hurt and disappointed. Co-dependency is not healthy. And it’s often very dangerous. That’s hard to accept when you love someone, but you must. And it’s easy to do when you love yourself more.

Now, did hearing that make you uncomfortable? That you need to love yourself more than anyone else? Well, let’s change that. 

People mistake loving yourself and putting yourself first as being vain or narcissistic, and that it somehow creates a hierarchy. That there’s a second, third and last place in this love race. Nope. That’s not how it works. 

Still, mothers will claim that their children should come first. That they should love their kids above all. And I will say, with all the love in my heart, that they are…well…wrong. I know. I know. Stick with me here. 

Whether it’s a partner or children or family or friends, when you put yourself second or last, all you are teaching them to be is entitled. Yep, I said it. They expect you will sacrifice for them. And, then, what’s left for you?

Instead, show them how to love and respect themselves by being that example. It’s putting your mask on first so you can be around and healthy enough to give them guidance. Also, it’s patriarchy that makes women feel like they should come last. Nope. Do not perpetuate that.

Because perpetuating that puts women in danger. 

Loving yourself and putting yourself first is like leading a troop. You are setting the expectation, the tone, the example. You are teaching people how to treat you. And you are teaching others how to love and respect themselves.

The other bonus of loving yourself is that you don’t need anyone else to validate you. Your eudaimonic wellbeing is strong, so romantic love can be the frosting on your cake, enhancing what you have already created instead of overwhelming it. And, if boundaries are crossed, if you are disrespected, you have no problem exiting the situation with zero hesitation.

Having once been a person who thought my love would be enough to fix someone else — let them see the person I saw in them and all that crap — I feel pretty confident in saying what we are hoping for is that, if we could fix them, then maybe we could fix ourselves. Feel a little true? Because happy and healthy people don’t need a project. We don’t need a fixer-upper to boost our ego. And isn’t that what fixing someone else is, a jolt to our ego and self-esteem? The intention is good and deeper than that, but when we get down to the nugget, what we really want in return is to be loved back in the same way. Again, not healthy.

“All he needs is a good woman.” How many times have we heard that? That’s patriarchy. And all he needs is to do is his own work. Just like we do.

Let’s be really super clear on something: Love does not hurt. There isn’t a physical impact that happens out of love. Psychic pain does not come out of love. Mental, physical, sexual, emotional and financial abuse is not love. That is violence. That is a show of power. Love does not exist there. I’ll say that again: Love does not exist in abuse or violence. Period. It wasn’t a slip or a mistake or a bad day, it was violence. A show of power. Disrespect. You want to talk about hierarchy, there you go — dominance looking for submission. Control, manipulation and isolation are also forms of abuse. And abuse is violence. We’ve got to stop minimizing things because they seem less harmful. It’s all harmful.

The moment love hurts like that, it’s more than a red flag. It’s a black and checkered flag waving at the same time. Driver disqualified and the race is over.

Just like everyone can be manipulated and find themselves in a cult (please refer back to episode 8 of season 1), anyone can find themselves in a relationship with an abusive person. A manipulative person. A controlling person. And, almost always, the control, manipulation and violence starts slowly, probably after some serious love-bombing. Little things that they talk you into dismissing, promising it will never happen again, or it was you who misunderstood. Then it’s bigger things. Worse things. Usually after you are so entangled with them — living together or the like — that you feel stuck. Trapped. The best way to avoid that? Love yourself more and be happy.

People mistake being happy with being passive. Nope. Happiness is a powerful thing. Happiness makes you un-fuck-with-able. Happiness is rebellion. It’s punk AF. And you will not only expect more for yourself when you are happy and love yourself, you will expect more from other people. And if they can’t or won’t deliver, you are strong enough to happily let them go. Let them fix themselves. That’s their job anyway. Just like it’s your job to fix you, and my job to fix me. And we don’t have to lone-wolf that, but we do need to surround ourselves with people who want the same thing, which is to be better. To be our best selves. 

Never ever ever not listen to your intuition. Even when it makes things inconvenient. That is your Inner Yoda telling you to protect yourself. And if someone is trying to tell you that you are wrong to feel that way, don’t let your heart talk you out of common sense. Love doesn’t gaslight. Love doesn’t make you question your intelligence or sanity. And there’s no way that a selfish abusive asshole can ever make you happy. The truth is, they don’t love you. Not if they are hurting you. It goes without saying you deserve better than that.

So love yourself. Love yourself the way you want to be loved. Fully and unconditionally. And you’ll find the right person to mirror that love with you. Green flags all the way.

Loving ourselves is Self-Health and it creates another wonderful ripple-effect that spreads through our inner circles and beyond. Besides, it’s fantastically disrupty, making you un-fuck-with-able. So why not do it in a big way? xo