If you are an American, if you live in a capitalistic society, I'm going to hold your hand while I tell you this gently, with all the love in my heart: 

You are doing happiness wrong. 

You are. I mean, I could be wrong about that, but seeing how many un- or underhappy people there are in the world, I’m going to hedge my bets in that direction. 

In general, most people are doing happiness wrong. Why? Because we keep pursuing things outside of ourselves, thinking that they're going to make us happy, that they're going to change us. That one thing is going to change my life. That one person is going to change my life. Those shoes, that purse, those clothes, that house, that job, that money — they are gonna change my life. 

Just curious: Have you run across anything life-changing like that? That stuck? Really? If so, we'll get to that in a moment. 

The reason so many people are doing happiness wrong is because what you're pursuing is hedonic. People, places and material things, stuff that’s outside of ourselves. Hedonic happiness is temporary. And when it goes away, when the happy high fades — because yeah, it's gonna make you feel good for a little bit, of course — then you need something else. Something bigger, something more. And then that fades and you're going, What the fuck? How can I keep going after these things, getting them and still not be happy?! 

Well, there's your answer. 

What’s outside of us will never satisfy what’s lacking inside of us. It will never fill the emptiness, or that shortfall we have. That’s just not how true eudaimonic wellbeing works.

Think of all the times you got what you wanted and felt a big whomp whomp. It’s a pretty common occurrence. 

How many people do you know who went to med school or law school, and either quit part way through because they hated it or later shifted careers because they never really loved what they did; they just did it because they thought they were supposed to?

How many billionaires look happy to you?

So, I’m going to make this really easy. Because it really is.

If you want to feel better, be happy. You want to lose weight, be happy. You want to have success, be happy. You want to fall in love, be happy. Anything that you want to change, do, or be, it starts with you being happy.

Happiness isn’t a destination; it’s a state of being. So, if you’re seeking happiness, stop running around and have a seat. It starts within you. And that’s good news.

You know that saying, “Wherever you go, there you are?” Yep. If you show up to your best life unhappy, guess what? It’s not going to have the shine you expect. I worked in Hollywood for a long time, and you have never seen so many people with so much, so miserable. Not all of them, but a fair share. And I found that fascinating. Here they are with all the money and access you could imagine and they are dripping with ennui. 

Same with lottery winners. The stories of people who won millions, lost it all and ended up worse off than before the check came in. How? Why?

Because they weren’t happy before their ship came in. And that ship coming in didn’t make them happy like it was supposed to either.

And for anyone raising their hand saying, “It was their nervous system! They didn’t feel safe having that money and/or fame!” I agree, to a point. Because when you have your eudaimonic wellbeing in shape, your nervous system regulates and you do feel safe.

If you are miserable on your way to success, why would you think getting that success would make you happy? It’s nonsensical. Be happy first. Then, the success is just frosting on your cake.

But maybe you got the thing you always wanted and it did make you happy, and that happy lasted. It was a life-changing event. Congrats! And I will bet dollars to donuts that it wasn’t the thing or the achievement that kept your happiness going. It was the appreciation you had for it and likely continue to have. That’s the alchemy. When you feel good about what you are doing or how you went about making that goal, that’s where the eudaimonic happiness lives. You see your worth, you build self-confidence and self-love, you understand your purpose, you appreciate who you are and what you’ve accomplished. It’s not the thing. It’s you. 

And that, right there, is groovy shit. Because when you cultivate your eudaimonic wellbeing, you have that satisfaction along the way to any goal and beyond the achievement.

For anyone who thinks that pursuing happiness is frivolous, well, no. And I'm tired of trying to talk everybody in to being happy, like it's something stupid or silly or shallow. What is the point of trying to change our situation right now — basically trying to change the world, right? What is the point of that if we're still the same? If we haven't changed, if we haven’t elevated and shifted and grown. If we're still coming from the same place, the same shit is going to happen. 

So that's why we need to do it differently. Happiness has to be a priority, and I wish there was a better word for that. Eudaimonic well-being is accurate. Clunky, but accurate. 

It really is all about being happy. Because anger and fear and feeling helpless has gotten us where exactly?

Whatever it is you want to do, have or be, start with being happy. It will get you where you want to go so much faster, and you’ll enjoy the journey so much more. Even better, it will have a positive impact on those around you. And that’s how the ripple effect beings.