You're not unhappy. You feel joy. You appreciate what you have, for the most part. You're happy. Kinda. You just know that you could be more happy. You're not unhappy, just underhappy. And it kind of sucks.

If you're underhappy, chances are you're still being led by hedonic happiness. The focus is still on the outside. People, places, material things. 

And I know some folks get hung up on the “people” part. But let's be honest. The reason people aren't eudaimonic — or the people part is not eudaimonic — is because it's outside of you, right? The love, respect, cherishing, appreciation — all that you have for them is the eudaimonic aspect. 

But let’s look at this another way: When a relationship ends, how do you feel? Pretty shitty, right? And, sometimes, it takes a long time to get over it. That’s why I put people in the hedonic category. Yes, of course, even good relationships can be hurtful now and then, but when the relationship ends, the lingering pain that lingers longer than it should means you were seeking and holding onto something that was outside of you. That relationship didn’t nourish you; it took from you. Otherwise, you would feel the grief and sadness, and then move on with mostly pleasant memories. 

But when does that effing happen? LOL. Well, it happens when we don’t lose ourselves in relationships. When we are comfortable being interdependent, but not codependent. It’s a fine line and a talk for another day.

One note: If you have the idea that a romantic relationship will bring you happiness, talk to any woman over 50. She'll set you straight. It ain't. You have to love you first, be happy with you first, and then that romance will be the frosting on your cake. 

Let’s talk about kids for a sec. Ooooh, did that make you tense up or get mad? Hold on. Stick with me. 

Mothers are natural sacrificers. That just makes the job easier, right? You know everything about your children and your partner, what they want and need, and you make sure they have it or are on their way to getting it. 

But I have lost count of the mothers I’ve talked with who cannot list what makes them happy. Because what has made them happy for all these years is making sure everyone else is happy. That’s outside. That’s hedonic. Not wrong, not bad, not a crime; it’s just not the eudaimonic happiness that needs to be nurtured within. 

And this is what creates the underhappiness we are experiencing. Even though you think you’re happy, you’re good, life is groovy…you know there could be more. Hedonic happiness has gotten in the way and started leading the dance without you even realizing it.

And that’s not your fault. It’s what we’re taught. In the Declaration of Independence, we are told we have the right to pursue happiness. Not the right to be happy, but permission to run after it. It’s embedded from a young age that happiness is something to chase. It’s some sort of an endless marathon, when, in fact, you can sit in your house and grow it yourself. For free.

But that doesn't make sense, to just be with yourself and be happy, right? To cultivate happiness on your own, in your own way, in your own life. To do it by yourself…that sounds kind of pathetic and lonely, yeah? Please. Actually, it’s strong and peaceful and sure and calm. And you can do it while other people are around, FFS.

To stop being underhappy, we have to start looking inward, instead of going outward. 

Chances are you're underhappy because you’re pursuing the goals that we're told we need to go after. We are told to get the best job, to make the most money, to have the marriage and the family, and the money and the things, the vacations, the stuff that proves success. But even that proof is skewed.

We base what we think we should have by what we are told, taught or shown. That’s part of living in modern society. It never slows down long enough to let us think about what we actually desire.

We also have the bog of eternal stench that is Social Media. It’s gross, but we are on it because it’s part of societal culture. That’s where we learn what our friends are up to because we don’t do things like call each other or arrange to meet for lunch. We scroll instead. Then, that nasty algorithm shoots us a bunch of shit created to make us feel like shit about ourselves.

Look at the self-development gurus who brag about what they buy, what they wear, where they've been, what they own, how much money they make. And you can, too! Just give them your money! That, to me, is disgusting. Yet, I kind of understand it because that's their version of proof for their success, right? Yet, they are stuck on the hedonic treadmill. And they probably can’t figure out why they’re underhappy, either. 

We are underhappy for a lot of reasons. The fucking world, for one. It's shocking what's going on. But being unhappy or underhappy isn't going to change that. Being happy will. Because happy people wouldn’t be doing this nasty crap to other people. This is what this happiness rebellion is all about — getting happy and disrupty.

If you're underhappy, you’re okay — you're halfway there. You understand the importance of happiness. You understand the importance of your eudaemonic wellbeing. What you need to do is start shifting the focus that has been kind of forced upon us — kind of like an operating system that was installed at birth — that makes hedonic happiness seem important, when it’s really second fiddle.

Back to what our Founding Fathers wrote for a sec. The pursuit of happiness makes me so mad, because the implication is that it's your fault if you're unhappy. It’s not how the world is structured. It’s not how society is set up to only benefit a few. It’s on you. So let's shift this. Because the only way we are going to change the world in the way we want is to be happy. 

When you are happy, you're not going to be fooled by anybody. When you’re happy, you're really not gonna be that angry at people, either. I mean, I'm totally fucking enraged at every bumblefuck trying to fuck shit up. But, that doesn’t mean I’m unhappy. I’m just awake and aware. 

The difference is, happy people are not looking for people to be angry at because they are unhappy. And that's what most of this is: Unhappy people looking at who’s to blame for them being unhappy. It’s absurd.

The true fault is that we weren't told, or taught, or shown how to cultivate our eudaimonic wellbeing. And without sounding like a conspiracy nutter, I’m beginning to believe that’s sort of on purpose. Unhappy people are easier to manipulate. Unhappy people are super good consumers, always on the hunt for that thing that will solve all their problems and bring them happiness. They fall for what Madison Avenue and influencers tell them because they are so desperate to be happy.

Another way to check to see if you are un- or underhappy: How’s your spending habits? Are you shopping too much, buying things you hope will make you feel better only to stare at the purchases after a few weeks wondering WTF you were thinking? Or “treating” yourself an awful lot, only to cringe when the credit card bills come in? It’s never fun to look at a balance that knocks you off-kilter. Trying to fill emptiness with things is a symptom of being underhappy. It’s a sign that you need to focus on your eudaimonic wellbeing.

Imagine what our politics would look like if we were eudaimonically happy. It would not look like this circus, that’s for sure. Because when people are happy, they want other people to be happy. Happy people take care of other people. Happy people know that there is plenty of room at the table. There is a generosity that comes with being happy. There is a compassion that comes with being happy. So what would the two sides fight about? Who’s happier? Who can do more good? How cool would that be? Imagine an arms race where it was about who could throw their arms around those in need and get shit done first. Sign me up for that.

Look, I’m not trying to create a Pollyanna worldview of what-ifs. I’m trying to get us thinking about where unhappiness has taken us and why we need to go beyond being underhappy to full-tilt boogie eudaimonic wellbeing.

It's up to us to make a difference. It's up to us to change so the world can effing change. It's that ripple effect I’m always talking about. And it’s totally possible. And it will totally change everything. For the better. And, if I’m wrong, the worst thing that happens is that people are happier. I can live with that.

Cultivating eudaemonic wellbeing can be done anywhere, by anyone. All you need to do is start with appreciation. I know. I know. I know. But it is the secret sauce. And I like this word so much better than gratitude, mainly because gratitude is so co-opted by toxic positivity. I like appreciation because it's much more laid back, right? Appreciation is chill, not all grovelly like gratitude. You can just be like, “All right, I appreciate that.” Instead of being, “Oh, my God, I'm so grateful.” It’s too over-the-top. 

Appreciation is a different perspective. It’s more like, “I appreciate the fact I woke up this morning. I can appreciate the fact that I have a place to live, even though I want to live somewhere else. I appreciate the job I have, even though I want a better job. I appreciate the money I'm making, even though it's not enough, and I want to make more.” 

It starts with that. You can appreciate what you have, even though it's not right, it's not perfect, it's not enough. We can all acknowledge that, right? No matter where you're at. 

When an appreciation practice was first brought to me, I was at my deepest, darkest place…and they used the G-word. I was so broke, not only could I not pay rent, I didn't have enough money to move. It was scary. It was humiliating. And it was hard to just say, “Yeah, my life is in the toilet. But sure, I'll look at things to be grateful for.” 

Instead, if that person said, “I know it sounds looney, but if you start appreciating what you already have, you’ll soon have more to appreciate,” I might have reacted differently. I think we can more easily say, “Yes, I can appreciate what I don't fully love. I can appreciate what isn't serving me the best. I can appreciate that there are things that are working, even though so much feels like it's going wrong.” That's why I embrace appreciation. I hope you can, too. 

And we have to start appreciating ourselves. There’s not enough self-love going around. That’s a side effect of being un- or underhappy. So let’s start there. With you. The fabulous person you are. 

You get to feel good. You get to have more. You get to be fully happy. Even now. 

It’s happiness that will shift things. And the great thing about being happy is it leaves room for all the other emotions — like rage and sadness — while keeping us grounded, without burning us out and leaving us hopeless. We get to be happy. And totally pissed off. So let’s do that and see what changes we can make together. xo