Pick a cult, any cult. There are so many to choose from. Some active. Some defunct. But what do they all have in common? It’s not just the grift or the coercive control. It’s that good people go to them to find happiness. So, if you think you’re too savvy to fall into a cult, you might be right. But, are you happy enough?

I take back the savvy thing. Many smart people enter groups thinking they’re doing something for the greater good of humanity, or themselves. And many people don’t realize they’re even in a coercive-control group until it’s too late. Because they’re keeping their eye on the prize. They just need to do more work, better work, give more time, contribute more money and then it will all work out. They’d finally see the benefit then.

Nope.

Think about some cults that you might’ve joined. Into Kundalini yoga? Watch “Breath of Fire”. Love God and want to lose weight? Seek “The Weigh Down”. Into being on the fringe and think you’re right about everything? Dive into “Love Has Won”. Considering MLM marketing as a way to bring in financial security while working your own hours? Watch “LuLaRich”. It’s not just the Heaven’s Gate kind of vibe when people fall into high-control groups. It can be as simple as wanting to be more successful in your life and ending up in “The Vow”.

For the most part, people join something to better themselves, help the world be a better place and find the inner peace that’s been eluding them. There’s no malice there. And there’s no lack of smarts, either. They are seeking something they believe will enrich their lives, and a way for them to contribute to their community or the world. Who wouldn’t want that, right?

So, let’s set aside any judgment we might be holding onto about who, how and why people end up in cults. Thanks.

There’s a difference between seeking and being curious. And I’m going to split some hairs here. 

Seeking is going outside of yourself to try to find a certain something to fill the void. If you are seeking, there’s likely an emptiness that needs to be closed up. But, much to our own chagrin, nothing outside of us will fix the inside of us. That’s work we need to do on our own. Our own-work, as I like to call it. But we sort of avoid doing that work at all costs. We think it’s so much better and easier if the answer comes from an outside source. And that’s part of the problem — that willingness to give over control instead of standing in our own power, especially if we are feeling a bit weak.

Being curious, on the other hand, is looking for information, exploring the experience, asking questions and framing answers. Curiosity is one of my favorite things, as you may have noticed. I’m one to say, “Get curious, not critical,” when we get frustrated by our behaviors or decisions, or the behaviors and decisions of others.

And that’s what I’m suggesting we do here. 

We all have — at one time or another and at varying degrees — been seekers. It’s part of being human. But, right now, we have a whole lot of seekers, who think they are experts and have some sort of secret knowledge — from fucking TikTok or something — and they knowingly know it all. And that is pretty fucking culty.

But get curious and ask about it. Are things better for them since they joined that group or that way of thinking? Because, chances are, the answer is no, so they won’t answer the question directly and simply get defensive. Don’t get defensive back. Muster up some compassion and even more curiosity. Because this can get really interesting. 

Human behavior is utterly fascinating. We think we are so complex and really, we are so not. And that should be taken as good news, not a slight.

I’m no expert in this field. Remember, I went to film school. Then again, Hollywood might be considered a high-control group. Anyway, what I am is interested, curious and a watcher of all things true-crime and cults. So, from that vast array of screen-born knowledge, here’s my take on how to make yourself cult-proof:

1. Ask questions. A lot of them. Challenge what you are being told. Because if they really hold the true truth, if their way is the actual way, questions will be welcomed. A healthy exchange will be had. But people who are peddling bullshit don’t want to engage in a Q&A. One of the reasons I appreciate Buddhism so much is because it wants you to ask questions. You have to delve deep to get to the nugget. You should’ve been there the night I had to give a presentation on compassion and asked the group if they could find compassion for a certain Austrian-born German fascista. And, yes, that was more or less Italian. The group was aghast. But, yeah, you’ve got to go that far in Buddhism to find your answers.

One of the more glitzy Hollywood cults stopped flirting with me because I’m such a question-asker. I asked big Qs and wanted answers that were based in logic and hard facts, not outer space or volcanos. Whoopsie.

Another personal development group also stopped calling, because when they tried to upsell me, I responded with, “If this was truly for the greater good of humanity, it wouldn’t be so expensive, and you wouldn’t be so pushy.” Guess they couldn’t argue around that.

Look, I’m a curious gal living in Los Angeles. There’s always a new cult or guru around the corner, and I’ll always listen to what they’re trying to sell because I’m inquisitive. I’m just not in the market to buy. 

I’m also very fun at dinner parties. You should invite me.

2. If you are in a group that you are dedicating both time and money to, ask yourself, are you benefitting from it? Are you happier, healthier and wealthier than you were when you walked in the door? Are you getting something tangible back from it? Not just good karma, but good sleep, a fuller wallet and more success. You know, the things they promised you. If not, ask them why. And if they come at you with a hint of anger and a lot of blame pointed your way, you might want to rethink that relationship.

3. Are you isolated from friends and family who don’t believe what you believe? And was that encouraged from the group you belong to? Because you are in a cult if they cut you off from everyone you love and make them villains. This happens a lot in religious groups, too. Here’s the deal: If they were truly spiritual, they would get there is no “us and them” because we are one big ONE. 

So, if you are worse off, and feeling more isolated and alone than when you joined, chances are you aren’t where you want or need to be.

People don’t go into high-control groups because they think cult-life is groovy. They stumble into them when they are seeking. And it’s so easy to be manipulated when you are good-hearted and vulnerable, and simply wanting more from your existence here on this spinning rock.

Honestly, I’m not worried about you joining a cult because you’re listening to this. I’m simply hoping to spread some understanding as to why people you love ended up not resembling themselves, falling down a rabbit hole and believing bullshit.

And it’s not just religion or politics; it’s wellness. The things people are letting themselves believe right now. It’s staggering. Let me tell you, if there was anyone who could cure cancer, and replicate that result, there would be a fucking media parade of that. Really. Think about it. If someone was saving people from Stage IV anything on the reg, they would be on the cover of EVERYTHING. 

If anyone had that answer, it couldn’t be held back by Big anything. But you don’t see people who were cured by some wellness guru, supplement-selling hack because those folks don’t survive. Sadly, they don’t. And, yes, I’m sort of pointing out a certain Medium of the med variety. But when their people die, the people are blamed, not the one selling the false hope.

Remember, I’m a native of Los Angeles. The only person who truly helped me with my EBV and ulcers was a Dutch doctor of Oriental Medicine, and even he would tell me to go to my GP for certain stuff. Because he wasn’t drowning in a God-complex. He actually understood medicine and healing, and kept his ego out of it.

I’ll say this: If celery juice was ever the answer, don’t you think the Sacklers would’ve burned down their poppy fields and planted those stalks? We are unique creatures and the solutions will always be unique…to a point. You and I and he and she and they, we are all different. One size, one cure, does not fit all. But science does its best to figure out what might work for the most people. There are no guarantees. But at least they do fucking research. Not enough on women or issues that predominately strike us, but we’re working on that. 

Because we are human, we let ourselves fall for things when we’re scared. And aren’t we all scared right now? Which is a perfect time to be taken advantage of, right?

Sometimes, people see that opportunity, and join to be in on the grift. They see a market ripe for the picking and dive in. We are witnessing plenty of that now. How many people have turned their backs on what they once truly, deeply and vocally believed, done a full 180, and now are raking in the dough and/or have places of power? You’d think they would be suffering whiplash from that sort of sudden turn. Instead of being discredited for that, they are accepted as true believers who have finally seen the light.

Someone hold my hair back, please.

We are all witnessing it. We’ve been watching it for over a decade. 

People want to be happier, feel safer, and understand why they feel so disillusioned and angry. Good conpeople know how to play that tune for them. And, when folks are super low, they turn over all responsibility to their leaders. They let those people decide for them. They will live and behave in the way they are told to live and behave. Because that really takes the pressure off, right? Decisions are fucking burdensome!

But, slowly, when people realize that they aren’t safer or happier or better off, they start to wake up. And then they get scared again. Because they have less now than when they fell down that hole. Less money, less security, less of a connection with family and friends, and a very tenuous relationship with reality. 

Does this give them a pass for the harm they did? Fuck no. Can we have a little compassion for the fact they were duped because of all sorts of their own reasons? I sort of hope so, because that’s how we’re going to get this train back on its tracks. 

The truly awful people, the ones who created this mess? They get no pass. They have karma coming so hard for them. And you may not believe that, but I kind of do. The thing I hold onto most is how miserable they are already. How awful it must feel to wake up as themselves every day and to know this is all going to come to a spectacular end, and they aren’t going to fare well when that happens. 

This is premature schadenfreude and it fuels me.

When we look around, we’ll see a lot of deeply unhappy people. And they are susceptible to falling into a cult if they haven’t already fallen into that abyss. We will also see truly wonderful, kind, compassionate people doing really good things in the world. Those folks have got their eudaimonic-wellbeing ducks in a row. They understand their worth, their purpose, they have a sense of self and community. And we can see their resilience from thousands of miles away.

BTW, where are you at with all that? Are you still wondering why I’m talking about happiness at a time like this?