Are you quick to judge? Sharp with an opinion? And I don’t mean just in general; I mean toward yourself. 

Oh. Didn’t see that one coming? 

Yep, we are going to dip our toes into our self-criticism and why being curious is much more productive.

I am a truly opinionated person. Even on things I know nothing about. Paint me a scenario, give a few specifics, and I will draw a conclusion. 

I like to think that my judgments are based on logic and intelligence. But don’t we all.

Really, they’re just kneejerk reactions. 

Opinions are shaped by our critical eye. And when we turn that eye on ourselves, we can be fast and furious with our disapproval and disparagement.

It’s a nasty habit. 

One opinion I hold dear is that emotionally roughing ourselves up is garbage, it’s pointless, and it’s something we need to knock the eff off.

Don’t get me wrong. I think self-reflection is an important skill, a duty to ourselves in order to be at our best, to learn from our missteps and pat ourselves on the backs when we do well. We get to do that, you know. 

And, looking around, I think we could agree that more people should hold up a mirror to themselves. Take in a little feedback. Seriously. Some folks out there are getting an F minus in the effort department.

While I’m not a fan of self-criticism, I am a stan for curiosity. Even Einstein dug it, saying, “Curiosity is more important than intelligence.” 

But don’t we start to feel shy if we ask too many questions? Afraid we’ll appear not smart. That we’re being too much of a bother.

Absolutely not.

I’m endlessly fascinated with human behavior, including my own. The choices we make. Especially the ones we know will lead to a disappointing (and totally expected) outcome. Why we do the things we do, why we react the way we react, or don’t react as expected. Why do we settle on certain choices? What are our motivators? What are our distractors?

There’s so much to uncover! And it’s like the best wormhole to go down. Because we are solving our own riddles.

Maybe it’s because I loved Scooby-Doo growing up (before Scrappy-Doo ruined it), but I want to unravel the mystery of the Why? Peel back the layers of that onion and learn. 

Because rarely is it scary. It’s usually pretty enlightening. And isn’t it better to know? To have a deeper understanding of ourselves.

So, instead of asking yourself, “Why did you do that?!” like an angry parent, maybe say, “I wonder why I did that?” or “I wonder why I reacted that way?” And then deconstruct from a more neutral place. Because curiosity comes without judgment. 

Asking ourselves why instead of reading ourselves the riot act is much more productive when it comes to changing unsatisfactory behavior, and is much more compassionate. 

And, yes, we get to show ourselves that compassion. We can be much too hard on ourselves, and usually over really silly things.

Curiosity kills the crap.

When we get curious, we aren’t bullshitting or belittling ourselves. We are opening the door to honesty and understanding. Two pretty groovy things.

On the other hand, criticism shuts us down. It makes us both the villain and the victim. Ick.

Curiosity opens us up. We get to remove the blame. And we can lighten up! Curiosity isn’t an interrogation. It’s a conversation where you get to implore, “Tell me more.” 

Because what we really want is to uncover the root so we don’t have to repeat behavior we don’t enjoy, and we can replicate reactions that make us feel good. Double win.

But the roots can run deep. And, sometimes, when we think we’ve gotten it all, we find we missed a spot. No worries. It’s just another chance to get curious again.

Curiosity is truly disrupty. You get to play detective. And the detective in the story always comes to the logical conclusion even if it’s unexpected. Or at least that’s how it goes on BritBox.

But, seriously, you will disrupt the pattern of self-criticism when you ask yourself open-ended questions. When you decide that you would rather solve the puzzle than paint yourself into a corner of condemnation.

And we can apply this curiosity to other people and other matters. Like, “How they hell did we get here?” Right?

If we know how this whole sitch happened, we can be sure it never happens again. But that takes a lot of us being curious, and setting aside criticism. Because we want the solution more than we want to shame, don’t we.

Yeah. I know, I know. We want both. I’m with you.

Curiosity isn’t letting people off the hook. No no no no no. 

Accountability is required, on all sides. Understanding the behavior isn’t excusing it. Having that understanding, though, brings clarity and perspective, allowing us to shifts things. 

Sure, we can criticize TF out of people we disagree with, those who don’t give a flipping shit about our Constitution or human rights. We need to get curious about them, too, though. 

Why did they choose this road? How did we let logic and critical thinking die on the vine? What do we need to instill and avoid in order to get the train back on its tracks, and prevent another calamity like this one from occurring.

And it’s not just the baddies we have to look at. We need to get curious about the apathy. Why people sit out elections, not believing their vote matters, or the silly misconception that they aren’t political (everything is political…ev-er-y-thing) or how rebellious they feel voting third party. How they are willing to vote against their own interests just to prove a point.

Here’s the thing, though: Arguing doesn’t work. That’s not how you are able to change minds; it’s how heels get dug in. 

Because arguing makes people defensive, right? When people have their guards up, they aren’t going to listen to reason. And, sadly, we live in a time where facts don’t matter.

Instead, ask open-ended questions. And keep asking. Stay curious. Disrupt them with that. 

Because, at a certain point, they will start to see the holes and incongruities themselves. It will likely be a slower-than-we-like process. And, when they do see the light, resist the urge to say, “I told you so” or “How could you have fallen for that?” 

Oh, I know that will be hard because those words are fantastically delicious. But that’s not how you welcome someone out of a cult. They are going to be carrying a lot of guilt and shame and confusion. That’s their burden to bear. We don’t need to add to it. 

We can savor our schadenfreude in private.

Criticism has its place and purpose, absolutely. Given constructively, it can make us better people. But it pales in comparison to what curiosity can provide. The answers it can bring. The walls it can break down. Let’s have a little more of that going on, especially with ourselves. And let’s make shift happen.