Resistance comes in many forms, but the one I want to talk about is the one we do to ourselves. Which is the absurd version.

Why do we NOT do the things we know we need to do for our own betterment? It’s baffling, and something I’ve pondered for a while, because — HELLO! — I’m guilty of it, too. And here’s the nugget of it:

The reason we resist doing something that we know is good for us is not because we believe it will be hard or because we’re afraid to fail; it’s because we know it will work. And we will have to change. And how many of us really want that?

You probably said, “I do. I want change!” And I believe you. You’re here. But what aren’t you doing that you know you should do in order to make that change? 

I’ll go first:

I hit the fucking snooze button like I get paid for it. If only. 

What I want is to wake up on time so I can do a full hour of exercise before work — not to live up to any physical ideal, but because I like it and I know how good I feel when I give that to myself. But am I doing it? Nope.

Instead, I tell myself that I “deserve” to sleep in a little longer. I deserve to have those additional nine minutes. I “need” the rest. And while that’s not a lie, it’s also not true. I won’t need to hit the snooze button repeatedly if I just get up and hit the yoga mat like it’s my job, like I used to. I had all the energy in the world then. Because that’s how my body, with its long list of autoimmune shit, and my chronic fatigue works. The more exercise I do, the better I feel, the more energy I have, but it’s a slow build to that. And the bitch of it is getting up that hill. So the sloth in me says, “Just another nine minutes.”

Getting up earlier isn’t hard. I have proof of that. I’ve done it before on the reg for ages. But I’m resisting it because I know it will work. And, in some weird way, there’s a part of me that wants to hold me back. 

Welcome to your nervous system, people! It fucking hates change. Even when it’s the right thing for you and totally beneficial. 

What you’re doing right now, no matter how unhealthy it is or unhappy it makes you, your nervous system sees it as safe. Why? Because you’re breathing. You’re alive. It’s alive. It has done its job. It’s going to fight you every step of the way when you want to change. 

So annoying.

I’m too lazy to Google who said this, but it’s true: People will choose unhappiness over uncertainty almost every time. Think about it. It’s the whole “devil you know” thing. It keeps us complacent, which our nervous system sees as safe, and nothing changes…except that maybe things get worse.

Need proof of that? Look out the window.

Let’s see this another way:

Change means we are powerful. And we aren’t always comfortable with how powerful we are. Which is why we hand over our power quite often. Think that isn’t true? 

How many decisions do we make from an ad we see on a screen? Do you use ChatGTP or the like? Think about how we have let the opinions of others shape how we feel about ourselves for most of our lives. 

This isn’t a flaw; this is part of our human experience in the 21st century…as well as back in the 20th century, from whence I came. For those of us who’ve straddled two centuries, we’ve seen how outside influence has become stronger and deeper; how we’ve become much more tired and unhappy; making us even more susceptible to that kind of influence. 

Vicious little circle, ain’t it.

We need to get really fucking comfortable with our power. Starting with how we wield it with and toward ourselves. We also need to get really honest about why we get in our own way. Why we let ourselves down, even in small ways. Why we resist changing for the better. Because here’s what will happen when you get out of your own way and change:

You will be impervious to bullshit. And very few people are impervious to bullshit. Which may make you a loner, until other people catch up or you find a new tribe. That, too, is scary and a bit uncomfortable; shit our nervous system will avoid at all costs. But it is worth it.

The minute we realize what we are doing — or NOT doing — and why…things start to shift. Our job becomes simply to sit with what we want and get comfortable with it and let another shift happen. Then, we need to go over all the reasons why we aren’t shifting and diffuse those little bastards. Facts-and-evidence the you-know-what out of them. 

Fair warning: This is not a one-and-done. It’s a process. But the more honest you are with yourself in the process, the easier it will become.

And seriously, can we just let our guards down with ourselves? Really. Haven’t we had enough of that? Let’s stop being so hard and judgmental with ourselves. We deserve better. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

So this is stepping into Polyvagal Theory and if you are thinking WTF is that, no worries. There will be a little link in the show notes for you to dive into it. It’s both science-y…and a little woo.

The nervous system receives much more information, much more quickly than the brain does. But we think the brain is in charge. Nope. Otherwise we would be able to logic the shit out of all our troubles and get everything sorted pretty quick. And when has that worked, right? Change is hard because the nervous system needs to feel safe with it before it will let it happen. 

Let me just clarify that there’s no way to force, cajole or bully our nervous systems into behaving the way we want them to. Nope. This is a collaboration. The nervous system has led the dance and picked the music for a long, long time. Before you get to lead and choose the tunes, you have to make it comfortable with your choreography. Show it the moves. Get it comfortable with them. Practice together. And, once you are both comfortable, you’ll get to lead the dance.

By the way, you’ll pretty much have to do this any time you want to change the tune. I know, fun, right? But it will become easier as you get more in touch with your nervous system. And if “nervous system” seems too weird, you can call it your ego, inner child or subconscious. It all fits. 

There is plenty of resistance we face out in the world every day. We don’t need to resist ourselves. Start figuring out why you don’t feel safe with the things you want, the changes you want to make. Write it down. Journal about it. Talk to your Voice Memos app. Do whatever it takes to unravel that mystery, and you might find yourself taking off like a slingshot.

Also look at how we’re resisting being hopeful, right now. There’s a whole lot of negativity out there trying to keep us angry and fearful. And there’s a fuck ton of evidence that we should be angry and fearful. But that’s sort of the point. It’s a form of control. 

If you feel scared and stuck and doomed, you are going to be in the sympathetic state of your nervous system, better known as Fight, Flight, Fawn or Freeze. That’s going to wear you out. Pace yourself. Find good things to focus on, so you catch a break, regulate that dysregulated nervous system of yours. Believe that change is possible, but also start to understand why we aren’t able to change as quickly or deeply as we want or need. Understanding that within yourself will help you to affect change at a bigger and broader level out in the world. 

It starts with us. Many pebbles creating a ripple effect that becomes a tsunami. Important work, don’t you think?