Right up there with happiness, self-love is super misunderstood. What is your reaction to it? Did you get the ick? Does it make you want to put on Birkenstocks and touch grass? Or do you nod in acknowledgment that self-love is the shit and we should all be doing it?

I get it. Self-love is a bit on the woo end of things. It seems incongruous to being humble. Like you have a big-ass ego. That you think you’re perfect and your you-know-what doesn’t stink. Nope. It does. We know that. Light a match.

Here’s what self-love is not: It’s not arrogance; it’s not being conceited. Those are actually symptoms of insecurity. And it is NOT narcissism.

Self-love is comprised of self-respect, self-worth, self-acceptance and self-compassion. And, really, it starts with having that compassion. Because we tend to lack having any compassion for ourselves, don’t we? We can be very self-critical and quick to take blame. That feels pretty shitty. We have enough shitty going on. We don’t need to pile it on ourselves. Seriously. Stop.

We are bombarded with being told how flawed we are, that we aren’t enough and who the hell do we think we are? And that can start in the home when we’re growing up. It certainly did with me. And when you’re told by the people who are important to you how unimportant you are, it takes a while to get yourself out of that hole.

That’s why the first step is compassion. 

We can have compassion for the way we were brought up, the experiences that shaped us. The wrongs that were done to us and the mistakes that we made. Because we aren’t perfect. No one is. So have compassion for yourself for what you’ve gone through, what you’ve overcome, and the badass you are today. Because you are. And, deep down, you know it. Own it!

I’m sorry if you didn’t have the parents you deserved. I’m sorry if you came from lack, abuse, neglect or hardship. I’m sorry if you didn’t feel comfortable being who you truly are and had to shrink or hide. Respond to those experiences with compassion rather than shame or disappointment. Look at how far you’ve come on a road that was all uphill.

Setbacks? Yep. We’re going to experience some. Fuck-ups? Yep. We’re going to have a lot of those. You know what? That’s all part of growth, and building resilience and perspective. We need to see those as natural occurrences in life rather than personal failures. And even if they are personal failures, so what? Mistakes are the best teachers. Embrace them, learn from them and let them go.

Do I love myself? Hell yeah! Do I think I’m perfect? Fuck no. Did loving myself come easily? LOL. Of course not. 

I was told on a pretty regular basis growing up how bad I was, that no one would ever love me, that I wasn’t pretty, that I ruined everything. That I was such a brat, so dramatic and, yes, even crazy. I didn’t come from mature or nice people. I was a verbal and emotional punching bag. My sibling wasn’t treated as such, so I took it even more personally. I must be bad, unloveable, such a disappointment, unworthy. I’d never amount to anything. 

How much of what you see of yourself is filtered by who you were told you are? Keep that in mind. 

Even if your family didn’t treat you the way mine did (and I hope they didn’t), what about society? 

Marketing and advertising makes its money off telling people they aren’t worthy or loveable as-is. You need this or that or something else in order to be acceptable. Social Media also loves to tell us how we are lacking. I grossed out over kids sharing their five-figure holiday hauls this past December. And, honestly, all I saw was how hard and empty their lives were going to be if they have tied their self-worth to numbers and things.

We are constantly being shown what we aren’t, what we lack, what we should be striving to obtain. And, to that, I flip the double-bird. 

Here are some hard truths: If you don’t love yourself, you’re easy to manage. If you don’t love yourself, your expectations stay low. If you don’t love yourself, you will accept what’s given to you.

Fuck all that, right?

Loving ourselves is an act of rebellion. It really is. Think about it. 

When we love ourselves, we have standards, we set boundaries, we know our worth, we won’t settle and we won’t take BS. None of that is arrogance, or conceited, or ego, or narcissism; it’s simply and truly honoring ourselves.

Let’s talk about accepting ourselves for a sec. 

Acceptance can be a tricky one because it can sound like throwing in the towel. If we’re still striving for goals, we may be reluctant to accept ourselves. Don’t fall into that trap.

Acceptance sits side-by-side with compassion. It’s like saying, “I know who you are, I see who you are, I get what you want, and I’m with you 100%.”

Self-acceptance isn’t a stopping point. It’s a launching pad. It’s the starting line for every one and every thing you are going to be. 

Seeing yourself for who you really are is important. And, no, it’s not an opportunity to pick yourself apart. It’s seeing your whole self, including the person you are becoming, and the person after that and the evolution that follows.

Like happiness, with self-love, people mistakenly believe they have to earn it or deserve it or be perfect in order to have it. Absolutely not. Think of all the people you love. Did they have to jump through hoops in order for you to love them? Gawd, I hope not. But, you get my point. This isn’t something to postpone. It’s something to start right effing now.

Why am I pushing this so hard? Because I want to remove the stigma and the misconception of what self-love is. It’s not hippy-dippy, woo-woo caa caa. It’s the state of grace you should be in all the time. Or at least most of it.

Do I annoy myself? You bet. Do I disappoint myself? Sometimes. Do I get over it pretty quick? Yep. Because I know I’m all shades of flawed. I also know that I have a good heart and I do try. So why beat myself up over shit that really won’t matter in a day, or probably even in 10 minutes? That’s the perspective of having self-love.

We get to love ourselves. We get to be proud of ourselves. We get to appreciate and really dig who we are. Because, at the end of the day, we are all we have. 

When you love yourself well, the love you have for others will deepen and will be more authentic. And, yes, you will be happier. And, by being happier, you won’t buy into the “you’re not enough as-is” bullshit people try to sell you. You’ll know your worth. You’ll have your standards. You’ll hold your boundaries. And you’ll feel that peace and centeredness deep in your bones. 

It feels really effing good.

When you start to criticize yourself, stop. In mid-thought or mid-sentence, stop. Replace it with a truth about you. A positive truth. Don’t look for loopholes to put yourself down. What’s the point in that? How has that helped you with anything? It hasn’t. So knock it off. Yes, you get to give yourself feedback. Mine is usually, “You could’ve handled that better.” And, now, sometimes it’s, “You handled that really well!” Ask the guy who rear-ended me in November. Oh, I gave him “feedback”, shall we say, but none of it had a single insult or swear word in it. Bonus points to me for that. 

This isn’t about putting on blinders and not seeing the path to self-improvement — because there is always room for improvement — but we aren’t being mean to ourselves anymore. Got it? There’s enough mean out in the world; we don’t need to bring any more of it onto ourselves.

Look, we are taught not to love ourselves. We are conditioned to think that self-love is indulgent and arrogant. And why do you think that is? Who does that benefit? And what would happen if we started loving ourselves, if we started to deepen our eudaimonic wellbeing? 

Shit would change. 

How it would change for you may be different than how it did for me, and, either way, it’s all positive. It raises our vibes and we start being the change we want to see. 

Groovy, right? Picture the ripple effect of that.

This is why all this happiness stuff is important. I know how silly it sounds with how the world is operating right now. But the world is operating this way because we aren’t truly happy. And, if we made our personal happiness a priority, holy cow! That’s a world I want to be in. Because happy people give a shit. Happy people want other people to be happy…and safe and healthy and cared for. That’s the world I’m looking to build. How about you? Yes? Fabulous. 

So let’s be rebels and love ourselves more and better. Yes, it sounds dorky, but who cares? I’d rather be a happy dork than a full-on douchebag asshat. Just sayin’.

Love yourself, baby.